Hey guys, I promise I wasn’t forced at gunpoint to watch this movie. Unlike the last time when I still had the now-defunct MoviePass card, I paid for this ticket with my own money.

Here’s the thing:

This movie is not as bad as the last one, and I almost considered not writing a Cinema Smackdown since it wasn’t as offensive.

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut

_{There are things that I must address.}

First let’s sing its few praises

They actually tried something different with the plot of the movie and made it mildly interesting. There was one good scene of tension in the movie. Jeff Goldblum was great every second he was on the screen.

SO WHAT ABOUT THE SI-

There’s really a lot I could say about the subtlety, storytelling, and cliches of this movie. And I guess I’ll start with the part I find most difficult to put into words: the subtlety.

The movie is incredibly heavy-handed when it comes to things like two characters having a thing for each other but not saying it. We can read body language, alright? Yea?

Are we- are we freaking children now? Do we need anything more than an old picture of you two together that you had on display? Or awkwardly talking about being single? Or laying on top of each other staring into each others eyes? Or another character asking if you’re a couple? Are we, the audience, supposed to be like:

I got so worked up I forgot the second example but it doesn’t matter! I don’t like these people! I don’t care! All that matters is the-

That’s it. This is the limit. I never want to see decades old movie cliches ever again. Look, pretty much all movies follow the same three-act story beat structure. It’s easy to predict the flow of a story. But just because you know something bad is gonna happen, doesn’t mean you know what bad thing is gonna happen.

But this movie is such a freaking

that I could see every character conflict, arc, and resolution the moment they stepped onto the screen. They telegraphed their story beats harder than an Ike player that’s offstage and below the ledge.

“Maisie don’t go past the bridge because people are looking for you!”

Oh, she’s gonna get kidnapped.

“You’re not my real mom.”

Oh, she’s gonna regret that later and call her mom.

“Hey what’s up with the girl?”

Oh, she’s gonna turn from bad to good and help save the girl.

Are you picking up what I’m throwing down? It’s ridiculous. Now,

You’re hiding under your bed from an intruder, and you hear him speedrunning through the house to find you, knocking over cupboards and teleporting up your stairs.

But, as soon as he gets to the room you’re hiding in, he slows down to a crawl and creeps around, as if he knows exactly where you’re hiding when he clearly doesn’t. And after 16 hours straight standing and listening in a single room, he leaves all together.

Wait, your answer’s no? As in you don’t want a break from the AUUUUUUUUGHH

Oh, you mean you haven’t had that happen to you. Stop lying.

This stupid cliche is the most annoying thing to see in any movie. No, you’re not building tension by doing this. You’re just making me wonder why the pursuer can’t find their victim when they seem to telepathically know exactly what area they’re in without seeing them go there. Especially when it comes to predators that you make out to seem much more overzealous than they should be. Have you seen a lion give up a chase because it ends up being too much work? Yea, that’s

P R E D A T O R B E H A V I O U R

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I reeeeally liked the part where the dinosaur screamed into the water for no reason. But I digress, let’s talk about

Oh God, I’m sorry I just

Why am I getting FLASH BANGED in the theatre??? Like, actually. I thought I got flash banged while watching The Batman cut from pitch black scenes to broad daylight but this movie had GENUINE flash bangs several times in a row! I mean, which character was responsible for this?

If I had to describe Claire, I’d have to say that she is stupid in a very non-endearing way. Now, I only have two moments to gripe about, but they’re two pretty freaking big moments.

When her and Owen arrive in… one of the 10 settings this movie had, they’re given one instruction: don’t look at anyone and don’t talk to anyone. Makes sense. They’re in a place where a lot of illegal activity is going down and they could either end up blowing their friend’s cover or getting themselves killed.

Now, tell me why the first chance she gets, Claire just

The woman is giving you clear hints- wait no, not hints. She’s TELLING YOU to stop talking to her and get out. THAT should be your common sense clue to give it up. But because the plot demands it, Claire acts like an absolute moron to get her way.

Even better is the time when Claire was buckled to a seat (attached to a parachute (stuck in a tree (amongus ඞ))). A giant dinosaur slowly walks right by her and slashes a deer to death. Now, what do you do in this situation?

A) Sit tight and wait for the dinosaur to leave the area

B) Rush to unbuckle yourself while the dinosaur is about 10 feet in front of you, falling to the ground and making noise

C) Literally anything else

Plot twist: Claire actually chose A

NO! Of course she didn’t! Do you think she’s a regular thinking human being? She’s a machine! SHE DOES STUPID THINGS FOR NO REASON!

WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS! WHY DO YOU ONLY EXIST TO FURTHER THE PLOT AND PISS ME OFF??? THAT LAST MANEUVER DIDN’T EVEN ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING YOU JUST PUT YOURSELF IN DANGER! I’M GOING INS-

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Me personally, I wouldn’t let any character mess up my movie like that.

So uh… I watched this movie with a friend of mine. Bad movies are more bearable with friends. But the girl at the concession stand also put an unnecessary and frankly ungodly amount of butter in my popcorn; legitimately more butter than I’ve ever seen someone put in movie theatre popcorn. I don’t know if she was trying to kill me, but I couldn’t make a dent before it was making me feel sick. You’d think that’d make my experience worse but it really just dampened my ability to be enraged by the movie.

That being said, I didn’t feel like it was a god awful movie. Like I said, they tried something different with the plot and the plot concept was decently interesting with dinosaurs running wild and a clone on the loose. Unfortunately, the characters and cliches really held this one back. If you find this on any streaming service, I feel like you may as well watch it. Jeff Goldblum is really funny and I genuinely like Maisie’s character. Still, this movie was one of the movies of all time.

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Existing/10

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