In case you came here curious about what I mean by “the meta”, I’m talking about the non-story related aspects of the movie. It’s production, planning, writing, et cetera. Might sound boring, but trust when I say it has everything to do with the quality of the movie itself.

Imagine this scenario: You order a pizza from Father Jonathan’s Pizza Shop. And it’s uh… not the most amazing pizza you’ve ever had. The bread could have been better, the cheese is alright, but you sorta wish they had included better toppings.

Somehow though, Father Jonathan sells a whole lot of these pizza’s. More than he should’ve. Understandably, he gets excited. This could be pretty lucrative. Father Jonathan throws a great pizza fest where he’s gonna churn out 1 million pizzas for everybody. And lucky you! You’re one of the chosen few who get a pizza for free!

Okay, the last pizza wasn’t actually that great… but turning down free food just seems… wrong.

You agree to take the prize. Hand delivered to you is a pizza by Father Jonathan. You look at the box. There’s a sticker on it that says “really delicious pizza”. You peel it off. Underneath it was text that said FALLEN KINGDOM. You stagger back. You realise there’s also a sticker on Father Jonathan’s name tag. It peels off to reveal his true identity: LEGENDARY PICTURES.

How far will this analogy go? Far enough to describe how watching Jurassic World 2 was like eating a really bad pizza.

The Bread: Plot

It’s… it’s so much worse than last time. You could actually eat the bread of the pizza but now you can’t even stomach it. It’s like it was thrown together quickly and haphazardly without any concern on how it’ll affect the pizza as a whole. Which, it was. Legendary Pictures Father Jonathan just wanted to make a lot of money. 3/10, please use fresh dough next time, Father.

The Cheese: Characters

You wonder whether the cheese was expired before it was put on the pizza. Seriously. It’s repulsive. It’s not even cheese from the same place. The difference in taste from each bite is jarring. They probably didn’t even taste the pizza themselves. Except for one slice of pizza where the cheese tasted much better than the rest coughchrisprattcough. They must’ve had cheese leftover from before and used it because why not. Overall, really, really bad. 2/10.

The Toppings: Subplot

It’s decided. This pizza should not have toppings. None. It’s just littered with mushrooms in the shape of numbers. You’re no mushroom hater, but why are they on the pizza? And why are they in the shape of numbers? This is just a poorly made pizza. The mushrooms serve no purpose and don’t even taste good! Please end my suffering Jonathan, 0/10.

The Toppings Part 2: Sequel???

At some point you realise that the toppings weren’t completely pointless. The numbers actually formed a sequence: 06112012. Egads! It’s the release date for Jurassic World 3 Father Jonathan’s Pizza Fest 2! All of those utterly meaningless and lackluster subplot toppings that really shouldn’t have been there was just to set up the next movie pizza! -1/10 Father, super disappointing.

The Verdict: 1/10

The pizza’s trash. It wasn’t made for the passion of cooking pizza. Not for the taste. It was all just for money. And it showed through the quality of the pizza. Pizza Fest 2? No thanks, Jonny. You’ve disappointed me for the last time. Unless the pizza is free, at which, if I have nothing better to eat, I’ll take it.

 

[Wanna read the review of the story next? Click here.]