Greetings comrades writers.

Today I offer you a tutorial on how to write an unlikable character. “Why would I want to read this?” you might ask yourself like the p-brane that you are. This is to show you what not to do so that you don’t end up writing one of the most off putting characters of all time. No, not a Mary Sue. I’m talking about the opposite. Very Poo. A character so degenerate that nobody can relate to them.

We are going to use the protagonist of the 2006 movie “The Break-Up” to illustrate these the following tips.

Protip #1: Make them extremely creepy

Everyone dislikes a creep (except when it’s performed by Radiohead) and creepy behaviour is beautifully displayed at the beginning of this movie when Vincent Vaughncent directs a unyielding gaze towards another woman at a baseball game who is clearly there with another guy. Not only that, he immediately and unapologetically pressures her into eating one of the hot dogs he bought (just to have an excuse to give her one). And to top it all off he sees this as an opportunity to start an uncomfortable conversation with her across 10 people in the row. Now if that isn’t a

3-HIT COMBO!

I frankly don’t know what is. He really sells the desperate and overbearing look. Haha, did you think he was finished though? Well you’re wrong, stupid! After the game he forcibly engages her in an even more uncomfortable conversation about her relationship status, dating, and even marriage. Comrades, this makes cat calling look saintly.

Protip #2: Just have ’em be a scumbag

All real gamers know that listening to your spouse is for noobs. And Vince is a real gamer. You can tell because he plays violent video games like Grand Theft Auto*.

“What’s that? I intentionally got you way less lemons than you asked for because I didn’t care? Ok woomer. Huh? You want me to set the table because you’ve been working and cleaning all day? Yea, ok woomer. Awooga? I should shower and get ready to invite guests in instead of sitting on the couch watching TV? You absolute imbecile, woomer.”

Prince Vince clearly thought that he married a slave girl who would fulfill his every command and never complain. Viewers at home this is scumbag a la mode! You can’t make this stuff up! Unless, of course, you were one of the bonehead writers for this movie.

Protip #3: Write them to be unfathomably lazy

There’s some overlap here with the last protip. But uh, not bothering to set the table, clean the dishes, clean the house, take his wife out dancing, give work logs to his brother so that the company isn’t screwed in the event of an audit, or do any manual labour is a pretty bangin’ indication that the guy is the laziest man on Earth. He probably wears a diaper to avoid having to get up and go to the bathroom. Wait a second… there’s a large demographic of the population that does exactly this! I think they’re called

B A B I E S

It all fits. The lack of a proper work ethic, the underdeveloped brain. He’s a grown baby. Or so I thought. As much as I’d like my conclusion to involve toddler and “uh oh stinky” jokes, Vince’s behaviour actually stems from something more plausible.

Protip #4: The world revolves around them

I’ve made a lot of jokes throughout this review but I’m genuinely upset about this part. The main character could not be more self centred. And all of his negative and distasteful behaviours stem from this single aspect of his personality. He cares only about himself. And the fact that someone actually married him (even in this insane fictional universe) blows my mind.

What really exacerbates my frustration is that fact that this is not the product of poor writing or a lack of self awareness. The writers fully intended him to be this way, they even mention it in the movie! Despite this fact, they make no attempt to make him relatable or give him any redeeming qualities. Not saying you can’t have a character that’s a jerk. Just look at Gregory House or Tony Stark. But if you plan on them being the main character you shouldn’t have their heads so far up their own butts that absolutely nobody can relate to being this person.

Conclusion

Listen, this movie is bad. The only redeeming part of the movie is that fact that they aren’t together at the end, but at that point the only moral we get is “don’t be a conceited jerk”. How insightful. It almost would have been better if they just doubled down and had them make up in the end, because they would have at least had a consistently screwed up fictional universe. But you have to sit through these insane sequences throughout the movie only for reality to exist right at the end.

So uh…. don’t be like Vince.

*As a side note, I sort of realised they used video games to illustrate his immaturity and child-like nature. Which has to be the biggest boomer thing I’ve seen in a movie. I don’t even think the writers of this movie knew the name of the console he was playing on.