Let’s take a deep dive into this movie.

I just wanna plunge right into the heart of the issue.

Because this movie is one heck of a cannonball.

I am strictly speaking about a single reoccurring character trait that you might have noticed if you’re perceptive:

THE GIRL CAN DIVE

This motif comes off as a long joke with a bad punchline. All the set up is not worth what you get in the end. Let me lay it on thick just like the director laid on these diving references onto the plot.

Subtle Plug #1: Trophies

The director wastes no time letting you know about this girl’s diving history, because in the first scene of the movie, we have the mother commenting on how she’s moving all of her diving trophies. Good lord, who cares? Not the girl, and certainly not anyone watching this movie for the transforming alien robots. At first I thought it was just an extra piece of world building but oh, boy was I wrong.

Subtle Plug #2: VHS Vednesday

Naive amnesiac Bumble Bee is watching some of the girl’s VHS tapes and wouldn’t you know, he pops in one of the girl at a diving competition. And guess what? The freaking announcer comments on how she’ll probably go to the Olympics! I was honestly just aghast, wondering what relevance this had to the plot of the movie! Honestly! This movie has nothing to do with diving and it has no relevance to what she currently wants to accomplish in life.

Subtle Plug #3: Reliving the Glory Days

As I’m writing I have no idea why the girl protagonist goes to this outdoor party on a cliff where she clearly has no friends except for the dude she came with. Not to mention all the bratty girls she clearly does not get along with are there. But that’s besides the point, because the might of the diving subplot is what brought her there today. Seriously. A boy she thinks is hot asks her to dive with him and actually shouts “we got an Olympic diver here!” (or something like that) in case you as the audience somehow forgot. But she “doesn’t do that anymore”, so she chickens out. And hot dog at this point my mind is racing to figure out why in the world this diving motif is being unnecessarily woven into the events of this movie, where what really matters is keeping the Decepticons from destroying Earth.

THE PAYOFF

Here we go. Here’s what it all leads up to. Here’s the reason for this diving nonsense.

Bumblebee did an oopsie. He sacrificed himself (more or less) to take down the bad guy with him. But now he sank to the bottom of a… pool I guess? Fortunately, the girl is on a tower and is at perfect diving altitude to hop right in for the first time in the movie and help Bumblebee.

But guess

Freakin

What

She hops in, no, DIVES IN and swims to the bottom. At which point I start to wonder, “what was she planning to do down here?”

NOTHING

Bumblebee wakes up, carries them both to the surface.

Holdon.gif

Were… were all of these diving references throughout the movie made just so that this thot girl could dive at the end of the movie and not even significantly contribute to the saving of Bumblebee?

Now that’s what I’m talking about, that’s what makes a great movie these writers were absolute geniuses how do they even come up with this stuff?

-Is what I would say if I were braindead. But this motif is quite possibly the dumbest thing I have ever seen in a feature film.

That Conclusion Tho

Hey, it’s a great movie. I really enjoyed it, a whole lot actually. One of my favourites during the year. I’m happy to see somebody else taking the Transformers IP and doing something great with it. Unlike every other Cinema Smackdown, the gripe I had with this movie didn’t make me mad as much as it made me laugh. So, take away what you will from that.

I apologise for this review being a narrative and visual confusion. Next time I promise things will be cleaned up better.